10 Weeks to Go - Musing

I don't know how I will manage the whole labor ordeal. I have always been squeamish with blood and all that jazz. The labor class helped but it doesn't change the fact that I somehow have to push a bowling ball out of my woohoo (The words of my doctor, I love her).

I am so excited to meet my little angel. And so nervous about not being ready or fit to be a mother. Truthfully, newborn babies have always scared me because they are so fragile and can't communicate, at least not in my language. I don't have any experience with babies. As a teenager, I would always turn down babysitting jobs unless they were older than 3. I think the last time I changed a diaper I was 12. And that was one time!

Lately, I have had recurring dreams about not being prepared to perform at a dance concert. I am about to go on stage and I don't know the routine and I am in the front. I love the metaphor.

Now that I am so close, my anxiety about my baby not making it is returning. His movements make me so happy and provide temporary relief to my fears. He is very restful at times and then POW, he will kick the crud out of me. His strongest movements don't usually occur until I go to bed. I spend all day worrying about whether the cord is wrapped around his neck, my placenta was ripped, he doesn't have enough fluid, etc. So, despite the fact it can interrupt my sleep, I welcome a good kick in the pelvis.

Seriamente? Estoy Embarazada?

The Discovery

Monday morning I woke up for work and reached for a pregnancy test. I was certain it would come back negative. I waited impatiently. A faint line and a plus sign started to appear. A plus sign? In disbelief, I looked at the wrapper and realized it had expired. I searched under all our bathroom cabinets in hopes of finding one that was not past its prime. I didn't trust an expired pregnancy trust. I found one and gulped down water as fast as possible. The second pregnancy test was even more faint. It displayed two lines. Alright, I am pregnant, I thought. Well maybe...  

I had to tell K right away. Even if it meant waking him, which can be quite risky. "K, I am pregnant!" He opened his eyes and looked at me questioningly. I gushed out the story about the two tests and then displayed the evidence. That kind of grossed him out. He beamed and was much more excited than I had expected him to be for so early in the morning. I told him mums the word. I couldn't be 100% assured until a medical professional confirmed it. I didn't hold to that for longer than an half hour.

Symptoms

I am pretty sure that as soon as I conceived my energy was drained but I just figured it was stress or my thyroid was acting up. 

About two weeks into the conception, my mom had just had her lumpectomy and I was staying with her for the weekend. I felt like I was hooked up to a tylonel pm IV. I was supposed to be helping her and I couldn't do much more than clean the kitchen and just be a companion. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was also quite snappy. I was so upset with myself that on the way home from staying with my mom I called her crying and apologizing for not being more helpful or very kind. She assured me I was not the demon child I had imagined but I still bawled for being such a jerk.